Monday, 12 November 2018


Ready for that walk, no need for company, I can take myself….. but no, the Boss and the Mrs want to come too.  I can get along much faster on my own sniffing all the different animals who have passed by our domain but they who hold the other end of the lead want to spend ages discussing the origin of all the trails, tracks and spoors, and are constantly on the watch for footprints of deer, wild boar, coypu, pine martin, hedgehog, all found in France along with the lovely crunchy French sticks, the incomprehensible language and my chariot being driven on the wrong side of the road……… 
The spoors are up for investigation, which animal had left it for discussion?  It makes me laugh – if ever I mistakenly leave one there is never the same interest that my wild friends poo generate, in fact the other day when I had a nasty attack of cramps and inadvertently left a calling card on my bedroom floor there was hell to pay.  My ownership was heavily discussed, was I his dog or her dog.  I was barred from returning until the clean-up had taken place.  Trust me it wasn’t that bad – just a little accident and beyond my control.  At least there was no head scratching about who it had come from!                             
The Boss has purchased a wildlife camera to catch a shot of all these resident creatures in France and they spend every morning discussing the nightly wanderings of each of them.  I sit and listen and think to myself…. I could have told you that just by their scent alone, never mind their footprints, their spoor or the expense of the camera but we are up against the age old problem of linguistics, the Boss and the Mrs just cannot get their head around dog talk or barkage, so they remain ignorant of so much that I know.   The long slow walks continue as before, but I never complain – sometimes their ignorance is bliss.  

Sunday, 21 October 2018


Intonations…..Here I am resting under the seats where the Mrs and the Boss take their morning coffee break in the shade.  The grass is cool under my snout and I can hear all the conversation going on above me, even if I don’t understand all the words I can tell by the tone whether there is going to be fun or trouble ahead.  I pick up on some words like ‘ball’ and ‘lake’ and my tail wags almost without conscious volition – it appears my rear end has a mind of its own.  I continue to play possum and they think I am asleep but my blasted tail wags again when I overhear ‘walk’.   As I open one eye to check on movement they are both looking at me and laughing but continue sitting and the tone stays even and uneventful, so I sigh heavily and resume my snooze. 
After a little longer, all the coffee drunk and the tones of the conversation sounding more hopeful I watch to see if movement is imminent and see the Boss preparing to leave his chair and pulling the Mrs up with him.  They both look at me and the questioning tones suggest they want me with them.  ‘Come on then’ which I recognise instantly gets me to my feet and eager to please.  My lead, which I carry myself, is looped around my neck and off we all go.  ‘Walk to heel’ spoken in a commanding tone by the Boss brings me to his side instantly, the Mrs laughingly gives an unrepeatable reply and walks next to him on the other side …. I think he was talking to me but, as ever, it’s all in the tone!

Thursday, 23 August 2018


Trying to keep cool???  In all of my nearly 7 years I have never felt as hot as this! 

Have you noticed my companion he always appears when the sun shines and never leaves me alone, except when I am swimming.  Here he is in the photo trying to big himself up and take all the glory for retrieving my stick.  When I try to sit on him he almost disappears and running after him is completely useless as he always avoids capture and can run as fast as I can.  Luckily he disappears on contact with water.

I get a break from him when the Mrs lets me cool off in the lake but her throw is not what it once was so the Boss gives me more of a swim as his sticks splash far out in the centre and I can practice my swimming stroke to its full potential.  This stroke, commonly known as doggy paddle, which I think is a pretty pathetic name considering the speed with which I can move through the water, is a Labradors triumph.  I will admit the diving could do with improvement - the Mrs insists it is called a belly flop but I prefer to think of it as a dog bomb I make a mighty fine splash I can tell you!  Once in the water my paws spread out and the webbing between my toes acts as a massive paddle enabling me to power through the water and catch the stick in my mouth to return it to the Boss for another launch.. If only he would let me try this with the fish but he continues to prefer to catch them with dangled lines attached to sticks I think this is a huge waste of a stick!

Saturday, 4 August 2018


ERTS BLOG:  Tasty, tasty, very, very tasty.  I am one proud dog.  After parading around the ring at our village Fête for Most Fabulous Fellow, Musical Sits, Best Paw Shaker and Judges Champion I finally won the last class and was awarded this fabulous rosette.  I also received some bags of party goodies which the Mrs kindly doled out to me one at a time and which she also stored in her handbag for later spoilsport!  This could make a fellow swell headed but I am taking it in my stride, in my run and also in my sits as I now have no excuse not to do what I am told - the Mrs said she would relieve me of my rosette if I did not do exactly what she said in future if I didnt she would know I was only showing off for the crowd and if I could do it in the ring, I could do it at home.

I knew I should not have been so prompt in my eagerness to perform. It always leads to great expectations from the Boss and Mrs and now, each time I try to ignore a command or turn a deaf ear, the Mrs waves the rosette at me.  I am wondering how long it will take for her to forget and allow the dog show to disappear into the avenues of murky past in her memory and allow me to sneak it down the garden for a proper respectful burial I have the place chosen and marked out already in my own special way

While searching for a suitable place my memory suddenly resurfaced from the murky past with the aid of sight and smell and I found a long lost tennis ball which pleased me greatly. I proceeded to gift it to the Boss who threw it to the Mrs, who had to drop the rosette (sshhh, I will appropriate it at a later date) to catch the ball and we spent the next hour playing dog in the middle.  Each time I caught the ball I received another goodie from my party bag, so all in all we had a very good time at the Fête many thankful tail flicks and licks to the organisers.

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

JUNE 2018

The Mrs spent ages making this.  This is my worried look!  The Mrs wants me to go into telephone boxes and spin round – I usually only sniff around the outside….  The cloak rather intrigues me, I can imagine tearing across the fields with it flying out behind me, rather like my ears on a windy day.  The tights I am a little worried about as well – restricting with my four legs, not to mention my bodily requirements/ablutions and what would I do with my tail?  Of course the muscles closely resemble my own with me being a fit sort of chap. 
The Mrs has mentioned sponges in relation to this hunk and I can only assume she means to give me another wash.  Time will tell what the real purpose of sponges and the Superhero will be at the village fete…..The last time sponges were used I pinched one and shook it with all my might and water sprayed everywhere – over the Mrs who was washing her vehicle and the Boss who was sitting reading his Sunday paper.  I then had to run off to the bottom of the garden with it before I could be chastised.  On being persuaded to return it to the bucket the car washing antics were abandoned by the Mrs and with a crafty look at the Boss, who was busy spreading out his paper to dry before he could resume his reading, she and I embarked on a fun game of catching the sponge which, after each retrieval, was dunked into the bucket to soak and flung into the air for me. 
It turned out that newspaper reading and car sponging is not  a good combination for a sunny Sunday morning and eventually the Boss retrieved the sponge and finished the car cleaning job himself which I think was the idea the Mrs had all along…..

Saturday, 16 June 2018


BERTS BLOG:  As I was saying last month - sunbathing is fine if you cover up certain parts - however at the moment I seem to have been overtaken by the Mrs who thinks I need some protection!  I kept trying to tell her that I was fine without the hat but she can be insistent.  I do have a need for some kind of protection as I will explain but not necessarily from the sun… The Mrs is decorating my bedroom.  At first she put my bed out of doors while she was sanding down the walls and ceiling.  However, due to the concern from the Mrs of not constantly remaining in the brilliant sunshine I had crept back in doors to lay down on the cool floor for a bit of respite from the heat.  When I ventured outdoors again to find the Boss he didn’t recognise me.  After a quick intake of breath he loudly asked what the Mrs had done to me as I now resembled a white, pasty ghost of a dog and not his favourite chocolate.  This elicited surprise from the Mrs who didn’t know I was inside when she was sanding down the walls and she instantly began patting and brushing me with her hands to rid my coat of white dust.  This was such an enjoyable experience that I sneaked back inside again when she had her back turned,  only by this time the sandpaper had been replaced with paint and rollers and I later emerged into the sunshine rather reminiscent of a Dalmation with large white spots……  The Boss instantly decided he and I needed to take a run down to the lake so I could swim my way back to being a chocolate Labrador again.  Just by chance the Boss remembered he had to check out his fishing tackle and together we spent a pleasant afternoon playing by the water.  On our return my bedroom had a perfect white ceiling and the Mrs treated me to a jolly good towelling and brushing which almost made up for trying to change my breed!

Monday, 30 April 2018

APRIL 2018

A little sunbathing never did anyone any harm as long as you don’t overdo it and keep certain parts covered…   I am reliably told that sunlight directly on the skin makes vitamin D in your body which the Mrs told me apparently you can’t do without.  Assuming that vitamin D stands for Dog I consider it a huge compliment that the Boss and the Mrs take a considerable amount of time pursuing this sunbathing lark as it obviously means then wish to emulate me as much as possible and eventually hope to be able to do all the things I can (with some exceptions).  The Mrs usually covers herself in cream and hides under sun shades but the Boss eschews such cissy stuff and so do I.  He just enjoys himself and never thinks about Vitamin D but I have noticed that the Boss seems to be copying more of my mannerisms lately in malting, sleeping, snoring and generally enjoying the ball orientated sports….  There may be hope for him yet.  The Mrs says he just needs to be trained to fetch and he will be up to my standard…..  Vitamin D for Dog, I wonder if Vitamin C is for cat…..