Tuesday, 19 March 2019

JANUARY 2019


Hello my friends,  I have a very warm bottom….thought you would like to know that!   The Boss and Mrs disappeared to the sun and I was farmed out to the miniatures for a week – not that I am complaining, I enjoy their company and want to be by their sides constantly, a fact that made their mum and dad a bit peeved.  I was told the newly decorated sitting room with the deliciously fluffy new rug is out of bounds.  I thought bounds were especially for dogs as I can bound about all over the place.  However I had compensation in bucket loads, or as they say in dog speak, bone loads.   You see the floor on which you see me sitting which was where my bed was placed and which became my domain was magically heated from underneath – don’t ask me how, I don’t really care as long as I can sit, lay, curl, sleep  and wriggle on here for ever.  Bliss!!  I have no need of my padded bed or my furry bed blanket – just lay me out on this floor and I am in heaven. 
During my stay I nearly managed to wangle a ride in a taxi too, the miniatures go to school in one and as they were being collected the tailgate was open to load their necessities so I took the opportunity to jump in.  After the shocked driver left his seat to see what had weighed the boot down he appeared a little stunned when faced with my eager look.  Unfortunately he is not licenced to take dogs in the boot and despite my best inveigling look and jumping in and out several times I was eventually persuaded that I should remain at home.  I had to wait for the miniatures to come home from school before we could have more fun and treats on my nice warm floor.  A week on this floor is not long enough…….

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

DECEMBER


Hi there.  Hope you had a good Christmas and welcome to 2019.  My treat for the festive season was an impromptu visit to the sea side.  Here I am on the beach sizing up all the pebbles.  There are so many of them I am not sure which ones to choose to play with.  Neither is the Mrs by the looks of it as she keeps picking up different ones while I patiently dance around waiting for one to be thrown which I can collect.  My patience is wearing a little thin as the choice seems to be taking rather a long time. . . . .
While the Mrs is choosing her stone I ran after the boss who was also tired of waiting for her to examine every pebble on the beach.  I found a nice lump of sea weed which had some delicious smells attached to it but when I tried to carry it with me, intending to take it home for closer examination, the Boss said no with his usual ‘leave it’ which translates into spoilsport as far as I am concerned. 
Failing to be entertained by the Boss or the Mrs I turned my attention to the large amount of water nearby. A paddle was all I was intending when a sequence of splashes occurred further out and that was my prompt for further immersion.  This initially proved to be a bit of a disaster as when I eventually emerged from the water after failing to distinguish the cause of the splash plus many shouts to return, it transpired that the Mrs, having finally finished her pebble search, was showing the Boss her finds when he suddenly selected a satisfyingly flat one from her hand and skimmed it out over the water and I, being bored stiff by now, instantly and unthinkingly went to investigate the splash without waiting for any command – whoops…
After the jettisoning of all pebbles, the Mrs’s short heated exchange with the Boss and the inevitable lecture on obedience, (me, not the Boss) impatience and being a silly dog, my unscheduled swim eventually worked in my favour.  Neither of them had remembered to bring a towel to rid my fur coat of water so we had to go on a much extended fast walk to give me chance to run around and get air dried – now who’s the silly dog?????

NOVEMBER


Trying them on for size.    How the Boss walks round in these is beyond me.  Added to the fact that he has to remove them each time he goes indoors (the Mrs will not let him in with them on) seems to be a seriously good reason for going barefoot but apparently that’s only for dogs!  He grumbles about removal, especially when I am welcomed in front of the fire with just my bare paws.  Muddy paws make for much easier washing – just walk through a few puddles give them a quick lick and they are clean.  Mind you there have been occasions when even I have been refused entry by the Mrs until certain ablutions have been carried out but at least I don’t have to stumble about trying to get these rubber feet off!
Talking about ablutions I had to succumb to a three person wash as I had received a personal invitation to attend a session of the 60+ Coffee Morning, apparently my fans wanted to meet me.  The Mrs insisted I had a bath before the event and The Miniatures helped in the bathroom which made it rather crowded but the extra hands doing the lathering made it very enjoyable despite the squealing when I divested myself of unwanted water from my fur.  The towels were meant for me but ended up covering the Miniatures to protect them from my shaking – but I managed to get them when their guards were down and covered them with a fine spray of essence of shampooed dog.  Then the towels were transferred to me and much rubbing and drying took place along with a certain amount of giggling.  After the towelling came the brushing and by the end I was almost unrecognisable and transformed into a sweet smelling canine fit to meet my fans. 
After a brisk walk around the village I was warmly welcomed to the coffee morning by Shelley, and although failing to find any shells on her person I discovered she did have biscuit treats in her hand for me which was very thoughtful and much appreciated.  After walking around in my bare paws and meeting all the coffee drinkers present I was patted and petted, succumbed to some tummy tickling and had a photo with one of my fans.  The Mrs showed some of my ‘stay’ commands and I showed them how I can carry my own lead.  I was not allowed under the tables to check if they were barefoot but they seemed very happy so I can only assume they did not have rubber feet…

Monday, 12 November 2018

OCTOBER

Ready for that walk, no need for company, I can take myself….. but no, the Boss and the Mrs want to come too.  I can get along much faster on my own sniffing all the different animals who have passed by our domain but they who hold the other end of the lead want to spend ages discussing the origin of all the trails, tracks and spoors, and are constantly on the watch for footprints of deer, wild boar, coypu, pine martin, hedgehog, all found in France along with the lovely crunchy French sticks, the incomprehensible language and my chariot being driven on the wrong side of the road……… 
The spoors are up for investigation, which animal had left it for discussion?  It makes me laugh – if ever I mistakenly leave one there is never the same interest that my wild friends poo generate, in fact the other day when I had a nasty attack of cramps and inadvertently left a calling card on my bedroom floor there was hell to pay.  My ownership was heavily discussed, was I his dog or her dog.  I was barred from returning until the clean-up had taken place.  Trust me it wasn’t that bad – just a little accident and beyond my control.  At least there was no head scratching about who it had come from!                             
The Boss has purchased a wildlife camera to catch a shot of all these resident creatures in France and they spend every morning discussing the nightly wanderings of each of them.  I sit and listen and think to myself…. I could have told you that just by their scent alone, never mind their footprints, their spoor or the expense of the camera but we are up against the age old problem of linguistics, the Boss and the Mrs just cannot get their head around dog talk or barkage, so they remain ignorant of so much that I know.   The long slow walks continue as before, but I never complain – sometimes their ignorance is bliss.  

Sunday, 21 October 2018

SEPTEMBER 2018


Intonations…..Here I am resting under the seats where the Mrs and the Boss take their morning coffee break in the shade.  The grass is cool under my snout and I can hear all the conversation going on above me, even if I don’t understand all the words I can tell by the tone whether there is going to be fun or trouble ahead.  I pick up on some words like ‘ball’ and ‘lake’ and my tail wags almost without conscious volition – it appears my rear end has a mind of its own.  I continue to play possum and they think I am asleep but my blasted tail wags again when I overhear ‘walk’.   As I open one eye to check on movement they are both looking at me and laughing but continue sitting and the tone stays even and uneventful, so I sigh heavily and resume my snooze. 
After a little longer, all the coffee drunk and the tones of the conversation sounding more hopeful I watch to see if movement is imminent and see the Boss preparing to leave his chair and pulling the Mrs up with him.  They both look at me and the questioning tones suggest they want me with them.  ‘Come on then’ which I recognise instantly gets me to my feet and eager to please.  My lead, which I carry myself, is looped around my neck and off we all go.  ‘Walk to heel’ spoken in a commanding tone by the Boss brings me to his side instantly, the Mrs laughingly gives an unrepeatable reply and walks next to him on the other side …. I think he was talking to me but, as ever, it’s all in the tone!

Thursday, 23 August 2018

AUGUST 2018

Trying to keep cool???  In all of my nearly 7 years I have never felt as hot as this! 

Have you noticed my companion he always appears when the sun shines and never leaves me alone, except when I am swimming.  Here he is in the photo trying to big himself up and take all the glory for retrieving my stick.  When I try to sit on him he almost disappears and running after him is completely useless as he always avoids capture and can run as fast as I can.  Luckily he disappears on contact with water.

I get a break from him when the Mrs lets me cool off in the lake but her throw is not what it once was so the Boss gives me more of a swim as his sticks splash far out in the centre and I can practice my swimming stroke to its full potential.  This stroke, commonly known as doggy paddle, which I think is a pretty pathetic name considering the speed with which I can move through the water, is a Labradors triumph.  I will admit the diving could do with improvement - the Mrs insists it is called a belly flop but I prefer to think of it as a dog bomb I make a mighty fine splash I can tell you!  Once in the water my paws spread out and the webbing between my toes acts as a massive paddle enabling me to power through the water and catch the stick in my mouth to return it to the Boss for another launch.. If only he would let me try this with the fish but he continues to prefer to catch them with dangled lines attached to sticks I think this is a huge waste of a stick!





Saturday, 4 August 2018

JULY


ERTS BLOG:  Tasty, tasty, very, very tasty.  I am one proud dog.  After parading around the ring at our village Fête for Most Fabulous Fellow, Musical Sits, Best Paw Shaker and Judges Champion I finally won the last class and was awarded this fabulous rosette.  I also received some bags of party goodies which the Mrs kindly doled out to me one at a time and which she also stored in her handbag for later spoilsport!  This could make a fellow swell headed but I am taking it in my stride, in my run and also in my sits as I now have no excuse not to do what I am told - the Mrs said she would relieve me of my rosette if I did not do exactly what she said in future if I didnt she would know I was only showing off for the crowd and if I could do it in the ring, I could do it at home.

I knew I should not have been so prompt in my eagerness to perform. It always leads to great expectations from the Boss and Mrs and now, each time I try to ignore a command or turn a deaf ear, the Mrs waves the rosette at me.  I am wondering how long it will take for her to forget and allow the dog show to disappear into the avenues of murky past in her memory and allow me to sneak it down the garden for a proper respectful burial I have the place chosen and marked out already in my own special way

While searching for a suitable place my memory suddenly resurfaced from the murky past with the aid of sight and smell and I found a long lost tennis ball which pleased me greatly. I proceeded to gift it to the Boss who threw it to the Mrs, who had to drop the rosette (sshhh, I will appropriate it at a later date) to catch the ball and we spent the next hour playing dog in the middle.  Each time I caught the ball I received another goodie from my party bag, so all in all we had a very good time at the Fête many thankful tail flicks and licks to the organisers.