NOVEMBER 2013

BERTS BLOG:  I have been fairly well behaved lately apart from two unfortunate water based incidents.  During a recent rare jaunt out with the Mrs and her walking friends I was accused of taking a man down which was, of course, a gross exaggeration of my ability to be so heroic and anyway it was a genuine accident and the guy was as innocent as me.  To my joy our walk was next to water, however disappointingly I was given no encouragement to take the plunge.  We were walking and chatting on a long canal path when we heard sudden fast footsteps approaching from behind.  In my rush to attend the Mrs a vision in blue Lycra unfortunately took the same avoiding tactics as I did and after a small contretemps he ended up tumbling over me into the undergrowth and was only just restrained from rolling into the canal by the Mrs grabbing his arm and yanking him to his feet.  Apologies were exchanged and he jogged off in a flash of blue and I escaped with nothing more than a look and a pat.  On the return journey I spotted him again but was given the command to sit and stay 100 yards before he ran past us with a wave and a smile, so no harm done, but disaster struck again when I mistook a raised arm during a lively conversation and the random simultaneous splash of an acorn dropping into the water as a retrieve command to take a dip!  This second incident meant I received more than just a look but also a tongue lashing with no pats and was not allowed to accompany the group for lunch but had to sit, wet but happy, in the car, in disgrace. I love a good swim!

OCTOBER 2013

This is my ‘humble’ look which I assume after I have been told to do something and I actually do the opposite.  This is part of my behaviour I am working on improving and I have also learnt that an apology works wonders, as long as there is no insurance company involved.  I am sorry to say that an occasion arose recently when I had been told to sit and stay however the temptation to actually take the biscuit being waved around in front of me by one of the many miniatures who run around the house occasionally was too much to resist.  I stood up and very gently approached the miniature version of the Boss who kindly proffered said biscuit which I very delicately took from his crumb laden fingers and downed it in a gulp, whereupon said miniature instantly sprouted tears and louds wails and behold, the game was up.  Instant uproar from the Mrs, multiple hand washings, consolation kisses, hugs and another biscuit, all I hasten to add, bestowed upon the miniature – not me.   I received the opposite with a very cross word, instructions to leave the vicinity and a look which could have felled a tree, hence my ‘humble’ look.  If I had worn a hat I would have doffed it and gone down on one knee with abject apologies. Lesson learnt, never take a biscuit from a baby but keep a watchful eye, wait till they drop it and scoff it from the floor, then everyone is happy!

SEPTEMBER 2013

On holiday, posing by the water lilies as per Mr Monet.  The Mrs wanted to stop here and get her paint brushes out but after my plunge into the pond things changed drastically….it was just so hot on holiday I couldn’t resist…however I have now learnt not to even think of dipping a toe into the drink unless I have prior permission.  Luckily we found many other rivers, lakes and oceans in France for me to practice my doggy paddle in, and for the Mrs to sit and paint.  I tried drinking the water she uses to paint with once but apart from not really appreciating the taste, I nearly got a paint brush in the eye as she went to rinse out when I had my head in the bucket.   I still cannot get used to all those waves in the ocean and chasing them went on forever, never stopping and I tired way before they did.  Water and swimming are a big part of my holiday.  Fifi, my French poodle friend returned home with us and she keeps me company in my bed.  So far I have desisted from pulling her stuffing out.

My latest exercise at present is collecting pigeons.  The Boss has asked me to help him and I do my best to find them wherever they fall.  The farmers and gardeners have all requested we collect as many as possible to give the new shoots a chance to grow and before they are all eaten by the greedy pigeons.  So far the Boss and I have reduced the numbers by a fair few but they always seem to return threefold.  I don’t understand it myself by the Boss says I am too young to understand.  I am two this month and am hoping for a big bone on my birthday.      www.bertsdogblog.blogspot.com

AUGUST 2013

This is my new friend – Fifi the French poodle – she doesn’t say much but she has a certain finesse. . . After the village fete, where I made lots of new friends and acquainted myself with some old ones I visited another larger fete at an incredible house with more games for dogs.  We went under a long tunnel (no rabbits in it) and came out in another county where I found the French poodoo.   After the usual stops at Caves (no bears but plenty of the red stuff the Boss likes to taste and admire) we arrived at Chambord and La Fete de Chasse.  I have never seen so many hounds in one place before and when I said “hello” they all answered together, making so much noise I had to be removed to a quieter area.  They all bark in French so I am hoping they were pleased to see me.  The large square box on wheels in now my new home for a while and if I sometimes get spooked in the night I am allowed to sleep inside providing I lay quietly and keep all my beautiful perfumes to myself.  Sometimes I am kept awake by the snores coming from the Boss and the Mrs who have the cheek to say my barks are too loud!  Confusingly, just as I had got used to seeing bats, balls and stumps on the box at home, it turns out there are things in the trees here called crickets that have nothing to do with sport.  They make a noise all day long and nobody seems to care, but if I did that it would be most frowned upon so I stick to playing with Fifi and chewing the occasional baguette.

JULY 2013

Although I live in my own kennel most of the time, occasionally, if the house door is left open, I sneak in unobserved and lay my head on the arm of the Boss’s chair and he absently mindedly stokes my head for quite a while as he sits staring at a black box with all sorts of things in it.  I am definitely an outside dog but occasionally I have a weekend pass to the sitting room to check there are no strange animals escaping from the black box, especially when the Boss watches Countryfile or David Attenborough.  Sometimes they nod off and I become alarmed at the number of animals living inside and I give voice to warn them of their imminent escape, causing great alarm and near falls from the sofa….oops!  Once, someone in the box started singing at a certain pitch and I accompanied them with my plaintive howl – well that certainly woke the Boss up and elicited a strongly worded request to stop.  The most exciting time indoors is when the Boss is watching balls on the box which, despite disapproval from the Mrs, he insists is very good for me to watch, at which point the Mrs usually exits the room so us boys can watch in peace.  Apparently this is called sport and balls feature in many different forms so I am constantly keeping my eye on the ball in the hope it may pop out of the box and I can retrieve it.   Up to now this has never happened despite several near misses when I get excited and have to be told to “sit down I can’t see the screen”.  I have to sit close so that I can catch the ball as soon as it comes my way...I live in hope. 

JUNE 2013

I have been having a very tiring and confusing few weeks.  My girlfriend Jazz has come to stay for a while and I have fallen in love all over again.  This is her giving me the “look” when I asked her if she wanted to “promenade avec moi ce soir, mademoiselle” (a little something I learnt in France last year).  I was extremely eager to spend some time with her having been forcibly kept apart for a while due to the seasons which I assume means we are still waiting for summer to arrive. I have chased her all over the place but she keeps playing hard to get, however now she has calmed down, I am puffed out, so maybe I will do the usual male thing and have a little snooze.  I find females a very confusing race. 

The Mrs is spending more time with me outside in the garden clearing and cutting back and I am assisting by fetching any sticks that get thrown aside.  There is also a lot of digging going on.  The Boss uses a wicked looking implement with a great deal of effort and although I have “pawpose” made implements for the job for some reason he definitely does not want my assistance.   If I do dig faster and deeper than him I am usually in trouble and honestly, I was only trying to help.  Once the gardening is finished and the grass has been cut the small white balls have been making an appearance on the lawn again while the Boss practices his strokes with the hitting sticks and I practice my strokes by sidling up and leaning against his legs for a pat.  I love pats and, despite her reluctance to “promenade” with me, I love Jazz too.        

MAY 2013

MAY 2013

Bert’s Blog: Since their return from holiday I have had trouble recognising the Boss and Mrs as they seemed to have changed colour!   This is me doing a double take ‘is it them or not?’ until my nose took over and recognised them both.  They were much closer to the tone of my own brown coat, but theirs is fading fast whereas mine stays chocolate smooth and shiny.  We had a joyful reunion helped by a good report from my carer where I was staying.  I enjoyed myself and made some friends to play with and apparently I am allowed back at any time so I must have been good. 

Since my return the Boss has acquired a new box on wheels which does not smell the same as the previous one which, I have learnt, the Mrs is quite pleased about.  She has insisted that all paraphernalia pertaining to me and the Boss must only be put in the rear and at no time should any ‘game’ be put inside the cab, where at the moment it smells a bit like the dreaded ‘bath’ room, so I shall be quite happy not to spend time in there.  The only regret is that the seats smell rather like a favourite chew I once had but I don’t think I will ever get the chance to check their flavour out.

I’ve had the pleasure of trying the new box on wheels out when accompanying the Boss on his vermin shoots.  I love this as it means I can run as fast as I like to collect pigeons from all over the fields as they fall out of the sky.  When they don’t there is a lot of sighing and moving and we all wonder where they are – not so daft these birds I think…..

 

 

 

April 2013

Bert’s Blog: The Boss and the Mrs are going on holiday without me. I am not sure how they can stand to be parted from me.  This has resulted in me going to spend a few days with some friends and I have purloined the Boss’s favourite hat to take with me to remind me of him while he is away.   I am not sure he has missed it yet….

Since we last spoke I have had a few visits to the house of the men in white coats and clean smells.  The first was because of a near terminal case of the sneezes whereby I couldn’t stop and everyone found it hilariously funny until they got fed up with hearing me and starting taking it seriously.  This ended up with me being knocked out and spending time in la la land (a place where dogs always catch clawless cats, bones are plentiful and I share the bed with the Boss) only to be told there was nothing wrong with me except an ‘allergicat’ reaction!  Honestly the things these humans make up. 

The second visit to Mr Antiseptic was for a lump on my leg which involved another visit to la la land, an ugly shaved patch which I hope will re-grow before my girlfriend Jazz sees me, loads of stitches and having to wear a ridiculous inverted bucket on my head which took six attempts to destroy after the Boss kept mending it.  I ended up looking a bit like Frankenstein’s dog with metal repair bolts through the bucket on every side just to stop me eating my stitches, all I wanted to do was give it a good lick.

I have to behave while I am staying away, no digging, no howling and no messing about…..can’t wait till they return.

March 2013

Bert’s Blog:  All dressed up and nowhere to go.  This was me in February, after taking hours to get dressed only to be told I would not be accompanying the Mrs on her birthday, apparently no dogs allowed.  Mind you, once I looked in the mirror I got the shock of my life when I thought I had turned into a blonde!  Talk about dizzy - couldn’t wait to get it off.

Talking about dizzy, there is some progress to report with the small ball of fur which lives here who seems to be thawing out somewhat; accidental meetings no longer involve her impersonation of a Harrier Jump Jet but more the slow lumber of a Jumbo.  Sometimes she sits and watches and, should I be reprimanded, I often catch a glimpse of a small preen of the whiskers, however the fur ball was herself reprimanded recently for sitting on the bird table.  The Boss was not pleased to see her there and has now fenced it off with wire to allow only small birds to feed and not fat cats, pigeons, crows or magpies. 

I found the Mrs. a nice present in the garden which I had dug up the day before her birthday in readiness for the celebration, however when I gave it to her she seemed less than enthusiastic to hold on to it so I modified it slightly for her and went a bit too far as there does not seem to be anything of it left now.  I can’t understand why the Boss loves meat but not bones.  Now I have shed the blonde I think I will go and dig up another present, the best thing about being brown is that it does not show up the dirt.

January & February 2013

What a confusing time of year for a dog Christmas is – lights are put outside and trees put inside.  I was allowed nowhere near the tree inside in case I disgraced myself.  As if I would!  It was hung with many large round balls, which I was not allowed to play with, and had colourful packages underneath.  The miniatures all visited and had a great time unwrapping the packages which the Mrs had taken such care to wrap up. I had been given strict instructions not to do this but they did not get into trouble when they did it and there was a great deal of merriment. Eventually I was allowed to participate in the unwrapping as you can see.  I gave the Boss a large lick and the Mrs received my paw like a lady.    I received a number of things, the worst being yet another bath, then a turning out of my bed, but things improved when I was given a bone, some turkey, and a large chew to keep for later. 

The bath meant I smelt like a right woofter when my girlfriend Jazz arrived.  She lives with a couple of the miniatures and we go beating together. Jazz is black instead of brown; her mum didn’t eat enough chocolate for her to be the same as me, I’m a real chocolate.  She and I have retrieved lots of pheasants lately and I have learnt that I must stay with the Boss until he says I can go.  This was a hard lesson to learn as I was dying to stretch my legs, but the praise I get when I behave more than compensates for running wild and I don’t like being told off in front of Jazz – it’s embarrassing.