December 2014/January 2015

Do I need this brolly or not, is the sun going to shine or is the rain going to wash my fur coat?  Last week I almost needed an extra fur coat, then the one I had was too hot!  I know I am only a dog but a bit of consistency would not go amiss.  The boss says the same and bitterly complains about the rain, I know just how he feels – too many baths can drive a man mad.  At least with the big wash outside there are no bubbles and I don’t end up smelling like a woofter, but paws for thought, my feet are clean, my coat is washed, rinsed and soft and I can dry naturally, even though the Mrs turns her nose up at my natural wet dog perfume.  This time of year brings an added extra – sometimes I am allowed to lie in front of a nice warm fire but only when the Mrs is not around to get a whiff of my aroma and only, of course, when the boss has struck this strange stick and made flames appear indoors.  As you read this I expect you will be thinking about another strange act – that of bringing a real tree in doors which ends up looking strangely useful to me but is always out of bounds and adorned with all sorts of paraphernalia, some edible and some not. I know because I have tried a few. … which, last year, caused a rather large contretemps but I eventually found a nicely wrapped chew beneath the tree.  However trouble struck as apparently I had found it too soon - before the day when a strange white bearded guy in red manages to squeeze down the chimney without burning himself.   All in all I think I am safer outside under the umbrella!

NOVEMBER 2014

We have been holidaying in the large box on wheels and stopped at a place called Looe.  Despite the name - I didn’t - as I have been taught that nothing should leave my body when I have my lead on – a situation which can sometimes be agonising but as the Mrs points out: guide dogs do not stop at every tree and lamp post or their owners would forever be banging into things so there is no excuse for me to be doing it. Consequently I have become resigned to crossing my legs and holding on until we arrive at a suitable place where I can do whatever I like.  We had a lovely holiday and I was quite well behaved throughout, however, I made a grave error of judgement recently when I was seriously disappointed at not being taken along to a ploughing match with the Boss.  Although I had been told to ‘stay’, boredom set in and I needed the ‘Looe’ and my mistake was in thinking I could find the ploughing match on my own and decided to head off and surprise the Boss.

Big mistake – couldn’t find him anywhere and boy did I get into trouble when I got back.  Apparently everyone had been looking for me including the local gamekeepers, neighbours, the Boss and the Mrs both scanning the village in their cars.  The Boss was just on the point of calling in reinforcements when he spotted me walking back down the road.   Having realised I preferred company on my walks I was returning home to find some and was quite calm - but the Boss was not, and when the Mrs stopped yelling at us both she made me promise never to go walking again without my lead on!  I have one word to say on that – ‘Looe’.

OCTOBER 2014

You will notice the black surround – it is because the boss said it is the end of an era and I totally sympathise – no more digestive biscuits and kindly tickles round my era’s from the Matriarch. I was looking forward to flushing a few birds off her bird table but I don’t think that is going to happen as I have been told she left this world for heaven in August and so things have been a bit quiet. There will be no more walks down to her flat to eat all the bird food she put out for her feathery friends.  Now she is probably flying around up there among them – I will keep a look out.

Grouse has been mentioned, but I am not sure if it was the Mrs complaining about the Boss and the approaching shooting season or the Boss complaining about the Mrs complaining about him.  If it gets too complicated I just bark and that stops them both in their tracks as they are not used to me using my voice.  They tell me this is one of the things they love about me – the fact that I very rarely speak, but when I do, it is for a good reason and even then it is usually just the one or two deep barks.  I am not fond of the yappers and neither are the Boss and Mrs.  Our house is usually quiet apart from when the miniatures arrive and then you can’t hear yourself bark – not that I do of course, although I did try it once and the miniature made even more noise so I beat a hasty retreat with a flea in my ear – oh no – we are back to era’s again…

SUMMER 2014

What a surprise!  My girlfriend Jazz, who only lives round the corner now, kept telling me something was in going to happen…. at her house there was anticipation in the air.  There had been preparations for an extra room, a new sleeping basket, less walks and her Mrs getting bigger and bigger, Jazz wondered what was in store? Overeating? Puppies?  Then lo and behold, look what arrived at 3am one morning.  The last night in June Jazz was kept awake with lots of pacing back and forth and later at our house on the same night I heard the tinkling of the small black pocket box which means my Boss and Mrs talk to invisible people and ignore me.  I always thought dogs, not humans, had sixth senses but it seems the other way round in this house.  Anyway, after this invisible conversation the Mrs jumped up and down and disappeared.  Jazz said she turned up at her place to stay while Jazz’s Boss and Mrs went off to a very large building, only to return later that morning with another miniature.  Well, swipe me sideways with a bouquet of pheasants, I am not quite sure how that happened, but whether bought or homemade everyone seems very happy, including Jazz.  Her Mrs was much reduced in size and her Boss was proudly carrying the new miniature, who very much resembled the previous miniatures with one crucial difference, the accompanying teddy had a pink bow whereas before the other two teddies had blue.   Jazz had lots of hugs and pats in celebration of another prospective playmate and is very happy to start her walks again, but whenever I see her now she keeps looking at me with that wistful look in eyes and I am not sure why…  

JUNE 2014

BERTS BLOG:  You’ve caught me snoozing on the deck.  I might have become a shade browner, purely accidentally, as I have been sun bathing.  Normally I am with the Boss in the wooded shade or in his box on wheels, which he calls a ‘pick up’.  I get confused as ‘picking up’ is what I am supposed to do when we go shooting and as I can’t drive it seems a bit strange, but I digress - I have been left to my own devices, well actually the devices of the Mrs whilst the Boss goes off chasing little white balls with his sticks which I am not allowed to chew.  I was dreading being left behind, but I managed to behave myself and me and the Mrs got along fine.  I had some long walks around the fields that I remembered from when I was a puppy, sniffing familiar smells in the undergrowth and best of all jumping in muddy puddles – something which I am told is all the rage at the moment among the pig world, but hey, a dog can do it too. Needless to say it wasn’t such a favourite with the Mrs, who muttered my name was Bert, not Peppa Pig.  I had to be hosed down the moment we arrived home, but that was quite welcome as well as in this wonderful sunny weather I dried really quickly while doing a spot of sun bathing.  I think she might have been feeling sorry for me as I was missing the Boss, or possibly she misunderstood my feeding instructions as she gave me two meals a day instead of one and I didn’t have the heart to tell her so I just put on my angelic expression and gobbled it down in pure delight.

MAY 2014

Here is the ball I was telling you about last month, the one that the miniatures have trouble catching.  As you can see it has put up with a lot of work, is slightly misshapen now and has lost some of its bounce.  Of course this has nothing to do with me giving it a good chew occasionally and everything to do with my incredible catching ability.  Not that I am boastful but I thought this photo gave me a certain cool look with a touch of sauciness thrown in.  I like the upward tilt of my velvety top lip and the slight exposure of my bottom teeth giving me a devil may care top dog athletic nuance. 

Of course this suave casual stance all fell apart when I had a little accident in my bedroom the other night and the Mrs had to clear it up the next morning.  I had to grovel as best I could as this cool dude received a right ear bashing about toilet etiquette, my perfume and spending more time outside doing what I should be doing outside.  The Boss was mentioned as well as I always seem to be his dog at times like this and nothing whatsoever to do with the Mrs.  Needless to say I was banned from entry for the day until she had cooled down and even worse my lovely blue ball was removed, taken and washed until it smelt like a garden flower and only returned to me the following day with a promise extracted that in future I would keep my legs crossed until I was let out for my morning constitutional.  Dare I say one word in response – no, I turned into an uncool, hairy embarrassment and rolled over for a tummy tickle.

April 2014

Dogs at play!   I manage to entertain the miniature versions of the Boss and Mrs by encouraging them to play with my favourite ball.  They are reduced to serious giggles when I catch their throws after the ball has hardly left their hands and I thrill them with my acrobatics when I jump up to retrieve it from high above their heads.  Despite three of them being slightly older than me I have noted their ability to catch a ball is seriously lacking in expertise and I therefore have to drop it at their feet to ensure the game continues.  Having noted their deplorable catching skills, the tables are reversed when it comes to walking on two legs instead of four as I have to say, they have learnt that skill far faster than I, who has still not conquered it, and as for propelling themselves forward on gadgets with circular legs that go round and round called bite-cycles, they can remain seriously un-bitten and out-manoeuvre me every time.

We also play on the slide but when it is my turn everyone seemed reluctant to be at the bottom with loving outstretched hands to catch me like they did with the miniatures!  Their reluctance may have stemmed from memories of the way I launched myself from the top with only my back feet barely skimming the slide or they may have remembered the last time the Boss tried to catch me mid-flight only to be flattened by my missile like impersonation.  He seemed rather perturbed when I covered his face with kisses to say thank you for cushioning my landing.  Either way no one seemed interested in my version of Doggie the Eagle and I was left at the top of the slide looking like a right lemon! 

MARCH 2014

The Boss and the Mrs took me on another little trip to Torquay. I remembered the extra-large swimming lake that kept running towards me and tasted funny, although this time it tickled my toes and I only went in up to my tummy.  There were lots of other dogs on the sand to play with and I had a great time running around.  We ended up sitting by some pots which the Boss said caught lobsters but after a thorough investigation I confirmed there were none inside although it smelt as if there were!  I got quite excited looking for these Lob-sters, thinking they were into throwing things for me to fetch but apparently I had got the wrong end of the stick, ha ha.  Talking of sticks, I was carrying one home with me that the storm had blown down on to the beach when I suddenly thought I should turn back to make sure the Boss was following.  In doing so I inadvertently caught the Mrs behind the knees with the stick which in turn sent her flying onto the sand which luckily cushioned her nicely and avoided any lasting damage to certain parts of her anatomy.  Once in an upright position again and able to examine her coat, the tumble had resulted in a certain level of mud splatter.  I thought a paddle in the sea would be the best way to clean it off and the Boss suggested a bit of a hose down but the Mrs did not agree and he had to quickly wipe the smile from his face as well as the mud from her coat when she turned down his suggestion in no uncertain terms and requested I instantly be relieved of my stick – spoil sport.

FEBRUARY 2014

I am really fed up - water, water everywhere, inside and out.  Terrible amounts of it have washed away my favourite bones that I buried in the garden, turned my depositing area in a quagmire and made all my favourite sticks too soft and squashy to get a good bite on.  On top of that I have to endure more showers in the white room with the soap suds and woofter perfumes (canine term for dogs who don’t smell like dogs).  I don’t know why they can’t just like my natural doggy smell, but the Mrs insists on me having assisted washing sessions.  I can’t tell you how much I wish it was summer again, although I don’t mind the rain on my coat there is a limit to how much even a dog can stand.  The Boss and the Mrs are having a bit of decorating done by a lovely man called Jon who brings me bones and chews as a special treat for keeping out of his way and his paint pots.  However there was one occasion when my tail became highlighted with a hint of a tint of magnolia and I had to be forcibly ‘coiffed’ with the hosepipe which mean even more water falling from the heavens on to me!  I ask you can’t a brown dog flirt with a little colour now and again?!  Please stop the rain!

DECEMBER & JANUARY 2014

Christmas….that tree came indoors again, very confusing for a dog not to lift his leg…. mind you it was quite prickly and not easy to get to with all the presents and flashing lights around it.  However, I did not disgrace myself or howl with the carol singers and remained favourite top dog in the house.  Actually I am the only dog in the house so I will have to give that statement some thought…. 

Amongst all the wrapping paper and ribbons I found a big bone and had several special bowls of gravy with leftovers to celebrate.  The miniatures of the Boss and Mrs celebrated elsewhere this year so I had a peaceful time with special indoor passes to lay in front of the fire and snooze, something I have noticed the Boss is very good at.  I did attempt to climb on his lap once to check he was actually asleep but that ended in some unexpected upwardly mobile gymnastics culminating in me spending the rest of the evening in my kennel and him staying awake for some considerable length of time despite ‘watching’ the box on the wall, the roaring fire and his hand cradling a rotund glass of spirit instead of my soft head and floppy ears. 

Despite the recent weather, my penchant for all things wet means I don’t mind being outside when the water falls out of the sky, but the Boss gets extremely grumpy about this.  On the other hand, I dislike being inside when the water showers down on me in the large white container with soap, but strangely enough the Boss doesn’t seem to have a problem with this.  Must be why he likes me so much – opposites attract!