JUNE 2014

BERTS BLOG:  You’ve caught me snoozing on the deck.  I might have become a shade browner, purely accidentally, as I have been sun bathing.  Normally I am with the Boss in the wooded shade or in his box on wheels, which he calls a ‘pick up’.  I get confused as ‘picking up’ is what I am supposed to do when we go shooting and as I can’t drive it seems a bit strange, but I digress - I have been left to my own devices, well actually the devices of the Mrs whilst the Boss goes off chasing little white balls with his sticks which I am not allowed to chew.  I was dreading being left behind, but I managed to behave myself and me and the Mrs got along fine.  I had some long walks around the fields that I remembered from when I was a puppy, sniffing familiar smells in the undergrowth and best of all jumping in muddy puddles – something which I am told is all the rage at the moment among the pig world, but hey, a dog can do it too. Needless to say it wasn’t such a favourite with the Mrs, who muttered my name was Bert, not Peppa Pig.  I had to be hosed down the moment we arrived home, but that was quite welcome as well as in this wonderful sunny weather I dried really quickly while doing a spot of sun bathing.  I think she might have been feeling sorry for me as I was missing the Boss, or possibly she misunderstood my feeding instructions as she gave me two meals a day instead of one and I didn’t have the heart to tell her so I just put on my angelic expression and gobbled it down in pure delight.

MAY 2014

Here is the ball I was telling you about last month, the one that the miniatures have trouble catching.  As you can see it has put up with a lot of work, is slightly misshapen now and has lost some of its bounce.  Of course this has nothing to do with me giving it a good chew occasionally and everything to do with my incredible catching ability.  Not that I am boastful but I thought this photo gave me a certain cool look with a touch of sauciness thrown in.  I like the upward tilt of my velvety top lip and the slight exposure of my bottom teeth giving me a devil may care top dog athletic nuance. 

Of course this suave casual stance all fell apart when I had a little accident in my bedroom the other night and the Mrs had to clear it up the next morning.  I had to grovel as best I could as this cool dude received a right ear bashing about toilet etiquette, my perfume and spending more time outside doing what I should be doing outside.  The Boss was mentioned as well as I always seem to be his dog at times like this and nothing whatsoever to do with the Mrs.  Needless to say I was banned from entry for the day until she had cooled down and even worse my lovely blue ball was removed, taken and washed until it smelt like a garden flower and only returned to me the following day with a promise extracted that in future I would keep my legs crossed until I was let out for my morning constitutional.  Dare I say one word in response – no, I turned into an uncool, hairy embarrassment and rolled over for a tummy tickle.

April 2014

Dogs at play!   I manage to entertain the miniature versions of the Boss and Mrs by encouraging them to play with my favourite ball.  They are reduced to serious giggles when I catch their throws after the ball has hardly left their hands and I thrill them with my acrobatics when I jump up to retrieve it from high above their heads.  Despite three of them being slightly older than me I have noted their ability to catch a ball is seriously lacking in expertise and I therefore have to drop it at their feet to ensure the game continues.  Having noted their deplorable catching skills, the tables are reversed when it comes to walking on two legs instead of four as I have to say, they have learnt that skill far faster than I, who has still not conquered it, and as for propelling themselves forward on gadgets with circular legs that go round and round called bite-cycles, they can remain seriously un-bitten and out-manoeuvre me every time.

We also play on the slide but when it is my turn everyone seemed reluctant to be at the bottom with loving outstretched hands to catch me like they did with the miniatures!  Their reluctance may have stemmed from memories of the way I launched myself from the top with only my back feet barely skimming the slide or they may have remembered the last time the Boss tried to catch me mid-flight only to be flattened by my missile like impersonation.  He seemed rather perturbed when I covered his face with kisses to say thank you for cushioning my landing.  Either way no one seemed interested in my version of Doggie the Eagle and I was left at the top of the slide looking like a right lemon! 

MARCH 2014

The Boss and the Mrs took me on another little trip to Torquay. I remembered the extra-large swimming lake that kept running towards me and tasted funny, although this time it tickled my toes and I only went in up to my tummy.  There were lots of other dogs on the sand to play with and I had a great time running around.  We ended up sitting by some pots which the Boss said caught lobsters but after a thorough investigation I confirmed there were none inside although it smelt as if there were!  I got quite excited looking for these Lob-sters, thinking they were into throwing things for me to fetch but apparently I had got the wrong end of the stick, ha ha.  Talking of sticks, I was carrying one home with me that the storm had blown down on to the beach when I suddenly thought I should turn back to make sure the Boss was following.  In doing so I inadvertently caught the Mrs behind the knees with the stick which in turn sent her flying onto the sand which luckily cushioned her nicely and avoided any lasting damage to certain parts of her anatomy.  Once in an upright position again and able to examine her coat, the tumble had resulted in a certain level of mud splatter.  I thought a paddle in the sea would be the best way to clean it off and the Boss suggested a bit of a hose down but the Mrs did not agree and he had to quickly wipe the smile from his face as well as the mud from her coat when she turned down his suggestion in no uncertain terms and requested I instantly be relieved of my stick – spoil sport.

FEBRUARY 2014

I am really fed up - water, water everywhere, inside and out.  Terrible amounts of it have washed away my favourite bones that I buried in the garden, turned my depositing area in a quagmire and made all my favourite sticks too soft and squashy to get a good bite on.  On top of that I have to endure more showers in the white room with the soap suds and woofter perfumes (canine term for dogs who don’t smell like dogs).  I don’t know why they can’t just like my natural doggy smell, but the Mrs insists on me having assisted washing sessions.  I can’t tell you how much I wish it was summer again, although I don’t mind the rain on my coat there is a limit to how much even a dog can stand.  The Boss and the Mrs are having a bit of decorating done by a lovely man called Jon who brings me bones and chews as a special treat for keeping out of his way and his paint pots.  However there was one occasion when my tail became highlighted with a hint of a tint of magnolia and I had to be forcibly ‘coiffed’ with the hosepipe which mean even more water falling from the heavens on to me!  I ask you can’t a brown dog flirt with a little colour now and again?!  Please stop the rain!

DECEMBER & JANUARY 2014

Christmas….that tree came indoors again, very confusing for a dog not to lift his leg…. mind you it was quite prickly and not easy to get to with all the presents and flashing lights around it.  However, I did not disgrace myself or howl with the carol singers and remained favourite top dog in the house.  Actually I am the only dog in the house so I will have to give that statement some thought…. 

Amongst all the wrapping paper and ribbons I found a big bone and had several special bowls of gravy with leftovers to celebrate.  The miniatures of the Boss and Mrs celebrated elsewhere this year so I had a peaceful time with special indoor passes to lay in front of the fire and snooze, something I have noticed the Boss is very good at.  I did attempt to climb on his lap once to check he was actually asleep but that ended in some unexpected upwardly mobile gymnastics culminating in me spending the rest of the evening in my kennel and him staying awake for some considerable length of time despite ‘watching’ the box on the wall, the roaring fire and his hand cradling a rotund glass of spirit instead of my soft head and floppy ears. 

Despite the recent weather, my penchant for all things wet means I don’t mind being outside when the water falls out of the sky, but the Boss gets extremely grumpy about this.  On the other hand, I dislike being inside when the water showers down on me in the large white container with soap, but strangely enough the Boss doesn’t seem to have a problem with this.  Must be why he likes me so much – opposites attract!

NOVEMBER 2013

BERTS BLOG:  I have been fairly well behaved lately apart from two unfortunate water based incidents.  During a recent rare jaunt out with the Mrs and her walking friends I was accused of taking a man down which was, of course, a gross exaggeration of my ability to be so heroic and anyway it was a genuine accident and the guy was as innocent as me.  To my joy our walk was next to water, however disappointingly I was given no encouragement to take the plunge.  We were walking and chatting on a long canal path when we heard sudden fast footsteps approaching from behind.  In my rush to attend the Mrs a vision in blue Lycra unfortunately took the same avoiding tactics as I did and after a small contretemps he ended up tumbling over me into the undergrowth and was only just restrained from rolling into the canal by the Mrs grabbing his arm and yanking him to his feet.  Apologies were exchanged and he jogged off in a flash of blue and I escaped with nothing more than a look and a pat.  On the return journey I spotted him again but was given the command to sit and stay 100 yards before he ran past us with a wave and a smile, so no harm done, but disaster struck again when I mistook a raised arm during a lively conversation and the random simultaneous splash of an acorn dropping into the water as a retrieve command to take a dip!  This second incident meant I received more than just a look but also a tongue lashing with no pats and was not allowed to accompany the group for lunch but had to sit, wet but happy, in the car, in disgrace. I love a good swim!