MAY 2020

The Mrs thinks I am going deaf….. she was wondering if there were hearing aids for dogs when the Boss offered his. I hastily backed away and said no thanks....it’s bad enough when she wants me to do something and I don’t quite catch the drift, it could be deadly for him! Mind you sometimes an enticing smell that just needs to be sniffed can produce complete encompassing deafness on my part no matter who is calling. I have noticed occasionally when the Mrs calls a request to the Boss that he too has this same affliction. We are not so unalike!

Just to check my faculties completely she persuaded me to try her glasses which I can say produced a completely different picture of the world. I don't know how she can wear them, the underwater effect of everything going swimmy made me wander off and check out the nearest plant to see if it needed watering…. This produced another hearing check when her request to “stop that” reached me fairly loudly. I returned to her side instantly being the obedient dog that I am. Luckily my training was complimented with hand signals so even if I don’t always catch what she is saying I can usually understand her ….something she insists the Boss needs to work on.

Disconcertingly the world has suddenly turned quieter and I seem to be getting their undivided attention whereas before I had to share it with all and sundry. We are now alone together and receive no visitors. I am told we are experiencing difficult times and there is a dangerous virus about. We still go for walks but precautions are being taken. I keep my eyes alert for any danger but the Boss and Mrs have assured me that this quiet is worldwide and nothing to do with my ears. I hope you are keeping safe too.

APRIL 2020

Rain, rain and more rain.  An oversea trip to stay in my chic chien shack has not improved the weather, the rain continues to fall.   Luckily my luxurious fur coat is fairly shower proof as it has been severely tested recently.  The Mrs is almost unrecognisable in her wet weather gear with only a ghostly face visible inside her hood.  Her hibernation instinct has come to the fore and the Boss has a devil of a job extricating her from the house.  I have more success persuading her to come for walkies to the lake where she can fossick about clearing debris from the spillways and streams and ensuring water flows in the direction it should.  When she gets too enthusiastic it usually ends in disaster.... wet knees, wet feet or falling flat on her back hauling branches out of the water.  Once out in the wet weather nothing seems to deter her from getting wetter or muddier and for once she and I see eye to eye, especially when she has fallen over and I can give her face a good cleaning off while she is laying there recovering!  However she is not as enamoured with my cleaning method as I am and usually belts out a loud "get offfff" when I try to help.  I also give invaluable help with removing the broken branches from the water but my stacking system is not up to scratch yet.  When the branches are log size the Boss gets busy with his noisy cutting machine and I have to stand well back until they are reduced to bite size, even then I sometimes have trouble hauling them into place.  The Mrs helps and eventually we load it all on the trailer and take it back to the barn for stacking in the dry.  By this time we are all dog tired, my coat is usually quite wet and I seem to be covered in sawdust and mud in equal measures.  The Boss and the Mrs usually fair a bit better and can shed their wet gear before entering their domain but bath time for me looms in the future...... I can feel it in the air and in the eyes of the Mrs as she regards me with that look which bodes ill for dirty dogs.  It's out with the perfumed shampoo and hairdryer......I can feel a woofter moment coming on.  This constant rain brings out my natural perfume but the Mrs feels she can improve on that with her bottles and potions so I comply just to keep the peace......roll on summer!

MARCH 2020

I have heard it is customary to bring a rose to your loved ones on a certain date last month.  Strictly speaking these were already given but I thought it a nice gesture to bring one to the Mrs to show how much I appreciate her.  The fact that I had to select it from the already carefully arranged vase without her noticing and get the Boss to clear up the resulting mess was immaterial to the thought I put into it.   She seemed really impressed with me but rather less so with the Boss as apparently he had not remembered himself, the colour was wrong and he was rubbish at flower arranging!   There is just no pleasing some women!  I thought it was red……but she loves me anyway!

FEBRUARY 2020

Well Christmas is over, shooting is over and I have been bathed within an inch of my life.  Thankfully the tree has been removed from the house so I can relax and not worry about inadvertently lifting my leg as I pass – I know it’s banned indoors but the natural reaction always remains and I have to concentrate on tamping down my natural urges.  I don’t want to blot my previously clean record of behaviour indoors as I want to continue being invited in to spend the evening on my cushion in the company of the Boss and the Mrs as they watch TV.  I understand that none of my predecessors had this privilege and lived in kennels in the garden, never to step paw inside the two legged abode.  I am very proud to be the first and have learnt to keep still and quiet so the Boss and Mrs hardly know I am here.

The only time I forget myself is after they have finished eating Even though I have tried really hard I cannot stop myself from getting up to see if they have left anything on their plates which I could finish for them.   The Boss, bless him, tries really hard to eat everything but every so often they have a difference of culinary opinion.  He says the Mrs has had a disaster and I get to benefit from what he considers to be inedible, although I note the Mrs has eaten all of hers!  She never comments after she has scraped his leftovers into my dish but rushes to purloin the flicker to change the TV from sport to one of her ‘who done it investigations’ which neither the Boss nor I can make head nor waggy tail of.  Occasionally during dinner the Boss comments that the Mrs has excelled herself and then I know there will be nothing left on the plates for me and the Mrs will be content to allow sport to remain on the TV.  Despite the culinary excellence I much prefer ball games to investigations even though it means no leftovers for me!

JANUARY 2020

It’s a wrap, or at least it would have been if the Miniatures had anything to do with it. They visited the second day of the of the festivities and brought their newest addition to the family with them - a very small, over exuberant, chronically energetic female K9 called Cookie who appears to be madly in love with me and wants to give me kisses all over my snout without having the politeness to ask permission first.  I tower above and stared down at her from my height giving her the look the Mrs occasionally gives the Boss when she is not happy with his behaviour which I should have known makes very little difference…..  When this failed to work I tried ignoring her ministrations and resorted to walking around the furniture, hiding behind chairs, looking beseechingly at the Mrs while trying to telepathically request this small stalker was ensnared and removed from my immediate vicinity and continually  turning about trying to avoid her ministrations but it was to no avail.  It appeared she is totally smitten and after my rebuffs met with a distinct refusal to accept my lack of interest the Mrs and the Boss finally had to step in.   The house was in uproar with me leading the chase and Cookie a very close second, both of us weaving around the furniture followed by all in sundry.  It was a merry site but I didn’t dare stop to appreciate it in case I was licked to death.  I have got a voice – quite a large one actually, much deeper than Cookie’s little chirps but I didn’t feel it was my place to bark my annoyance as everyone else was doing that already.  Thankfully after her capture and a certain amount of what started as careful tutorials and nearly ended in eviction she eventually calmed down enough to allow me to lick my own chops for a change!   In case you were wondering Cookie is a Border Terrier!

DECEMBER 2019

Wishing you all the best possible bone gnawing, lip smacking, tongue licking, cream lapping times this Christmas and remember if you are burying anything in the garden remember to avoid any bulbs the Mrs has planted as they tend to give the game away if left lying on the top of the soil - she always manages to know where I have buried my bone.  Also ensure complete disposal of anything removed surreptitiously from the Christmas tree and eaten in secrecy behind the sofa (only applies if the Mrs has not already eaten all the chocolate dangles on the tree) wrappings can been eaten but this is not advisable as they can be detected in certain movements at a later date so ensure they are either dropped near the Mrs chair or hidden well under the sofa and not visible at long range!

Try not to look too downhearted when you only get turkey leftovers and not the leg or the wing and on no account display or mention any adversity to large men with white beards and red garb or the miniatures will never speak to you again!  If any venison appear in the garden - leave them be as they may not have finished their rounds.........

NOVEMBER

Winter is upon us and my fur coat comes in very handy on the cold nights and frosty mornings.  The Mrs complains that most of my fur seems to be distributed haphazardly around the house but I assure her that the majority is on my back and I just need an all over two hour brush every day to keep it sleek and luxurious.  She seems to think this is a joke but I will say anything to get some extra petting and attention.   Alas out comes the hoover again and I am tortured with the noise and suction as it removes my excess hair not only from my back but from any surrounding areas that the Mrs insists it has crept into. 

Winter brings not only cold weather but the season for shooting and filling the freezer with game and venison to sustain not only the Boss for the rest of the year but me as well.  The Boss has had many requests to reduce the pigeon population in the village as apparently these cheeky and prolific birds are causing untold damage to gardens, plants and crops and leaving unsightly white deposits wherever they perch.  This photo is me doing what my breed does – retrieving – in this case one of the despatched pigeons that have been terrorising the neighbourhood.  I am bringing it back to the Boss and adding it to the  number he will be taking to the game dealers minus the few he keeps for himself so he can have pigeon breasts braised in red wine for dinner – a little number he is quite fond of and so am I.  He now needs to instruct the Mrs to forget my stray hair, stop the hoovering and get cooking – the certain way to man’s heart is through his stomach swiftly followed, in my case, by oodles of strokes and a long loving petting – can’t speak for the Boss!