JULY 2020

I haven’t been feeling myself lately, licking and scratching yes but not feeling. Had several visits to the white coated brigade who were masked and gowned and very kind. The Boss and the Mrs left me in their care for a few days and I woke up with a shaved belly, lots of staples and a fair few bits of me missing. I did get away with not wearing a mask but I was given a clear plastic face shield which prevented the Mrs and the Boss from giving me my usual head pats and ear tickles so I am afraid it was jettisoned after an initial trial and I was constantly told not to lick my poor bare belly or the shield would have to be reinstated…a great motivation to behave as I love all the attention I am getting at the moment.

Things were going swimmingly until a phone call giving my prog nose is, which in fact was nothing to do with my nose at all, but turned out to be all about my expectation of life. The Boss and the Mrs have not shared this with me but kept this information to themselves, however I detect an underlying difference in their manner, a sadness of eye and braveness of face. I myself have realised I am not as well as I used to be. I seek constant reassurance and have had to take lots of pills and sleep a lot more than any dog of 8 years should do but on the bright side I have been allowed many more strokes, pats and treats than normal and the pills come with honey and biscuits.

Life is continuing much as it was with trips to the shoot to mooch about with the Boss and walks with the Mrs to visit far flung venues where I have to amuse myself while she gazes at the view and attempts a fair replica on paper despite me sitting smack in the middle of the composition or acting bored and wanting to go walking. However I am not a daft dog and I know I am on borrowed time. I wonder if I should bid you farewell now or see if I can still pen this blog for the next edition….. enjoy your life, you never know what is round the corner unless of course you are a dog with a nose like mine and can smell it.

MAY 2020

The Mrs thinks I am going deaf….. she was wondering if there were hearing aids for dogs when the Boss offered his. I hastily backed away and said no thanks....it’s bad enough when she wants me to do something and I don’t quite catch the drift, it could be deadly for him! Mind you sometimes an enticing smell that just needs to be sniffed can produce complete encompassing deafness on my part no matter who is calling. I have noticed occasionally when the Mrs calls a request to the Boss that he too has this same affliction. We are not so unalike!

Just to check my faculties completely she persuaded me to try her glasses which I can say produced a completely different picture of the world. I don't know how she can wear them, the underwater effect of everything going swimmy made me wander off and check out the nearest plant to see if it needed watering…. This produced another hearing check when her request to “stop that” reached me fairly loudly. I returned to her side instantly being the obedient dog that I am. Luckily my training was complimented with hand signals so even if I don’t always catch what she is saying I can usually understand her ….something she insists the Boss needs to work on.

Disconcertingly the world has suddenly turned quieter and I seem to be getting their undivided attention whereas before I had to share it with all and sundry. We are now alone together and receive no visitors. I am told we are experiencing difficult times and there is a dangerous virus about. We still go for walks but precautions are being taken. I keep my eyes alert for any danger but the Boss and Mrs have assured me that this quiet is worldwide and nothing to do with my ears. I hope you are keeping safe too.

JANUARY 2020

It’s a wrap, or at least it would have been if the Miniatures had anything to do with it. They visited the second day of the of the festivities and brought their newest addition to the family with them - a very small, over exuberant, chronically energetic female K9 called Cookie who appears to be madly in love with me and wants to give me kisses all over my snout without having the politeness to ask permission first.  I tower above and stared down at her from my height giving her the look the Mrs occasionally gives the Boss when she is not happy with his behaviour which I should have known makes very little difference…..  When this failed to work I tried ignoring her ministrations and resorted to walking around the furniture, hiding behind chairs, looking beseechingly at the Mrs while trying to telepathically request this small stalker was ensnared and removed from my immediate vicinity and continually  turning about trying to avoid her ministrations but it was to no avail.  It appeared she is totally smitten and after my rebuffs met with a distinct refusal to accept my lack of interest the Mrs and the Boss finally had to step in.   The house was in uproar with me leading the chase and Cookie a very close second, both of us weaving around the furniture followed by all in sundry.  It was a merry site but I didn’t dare stop to appreciate it in case I was licked to death.  I have got a voice – quite a large one actually, much deeper than Cookie’s little chirps but I didn’t feel it was my place to bark my annoyance as everyone else was doing that already.  Thankfully after her capture and a certain amount of what started as careful tutorials and nearly ended in eviction she eventually calmed down enough to allow me to lick my own chops for a change!   In case you were wondering Cookie is a Border Terrier!

DECEMBER 2019

Wishing you all the best possible bone gnawing, lip smacking, tongue licking, cream lapping times this Christmas and remember if you are burying anything in the garden remember to avoid any bulbs the Mrs has planted as they tend to give the game away if left lying on the top of the soil - she always manages to know where I have buried my bone.  Also ensure complete disposal of anything removed surreptitiously from the Christmas tree and eaten in secrecy behind the sofa (only applies if the Mrs has not already eaten all the chocolate dangles on the tree) wrappings can been eaten but this is not advisable as they can be detected in certain movements at a later date so ensure they are either dropped near the Mrs chair or hidden well under the sofa and not visible at long range!

Try not to look too downhearted when you only get turkey leftovers and not the leg or the wing and on no account display or mention any adversity to large men with white beards and red garb or the miniatures will never speak to you again!  If any venison appear in the garden - leave them be as they may not have finished their rounds.........

OCTOBER

At last…..I managed to catch the attention of the Mrs!  I have spent many, many years and opportunities, bamboozling, cajoling, charming, coaxing, tempting and manoeuvring to persuade the Mrs that I would be a good subject for her artwork.  With my handsome good looks, my naturally elegant wiggly body and extremely waggy tail I thought I would be the dogs b…….  well, you know what I mean - the best model ever!  My agility however always went against me as I was told I never sat still for long enough and was always on the move.  I complained and whined about all the photos of me she could use but none were quite right apparently.

I have sat on her feet, barked my boredom, stood in her way, stolen her paint brushes and drank her painting water, even, at great peril to my own safety, inserted myself into the view she was painting but never had I managed to instigate the inspiration she needed to paint my portrait until now!

I think she was having a bit of a guilt trip as she had been asked to paint the portrait of someone else’s pet dog and, once it was completed, could see I was a little put out!  When I say “put out” I don’t mean put outdoors as that is my favourite place to be, but “put out” as in the Mrs thought my nose was “put out of joint” which of course was ridiculous as that is my best feature, is as straight as a die and packed full of 300 million olfactory receptors which is 29,999,600 more than hers.  Anyway the outcome was that she eventually, after all this time and all my shenanigans decided it was my time to “sit” for a portrait aided by the “right” photograph …. and here it is….don’t I look a handsome beast?

SEPTEMBER 2019

During my holidays this year I had chance to closely examine one of the many small green jumping things that live around the lake.  Each time I got my nose close enough to give it a good sniff it jumped away.  This small creature has many attributes - the jumping ability was astounding – far better than mine.  The noise it made was also akin to barking so I felt quite at home trying to make friends.  First one would bark and then an answer would come back eventually starting a croaking chorus from around each side of the lake until it became quite deafening.  I tried to participate but I don’t think I spoke the same language and eventually the Mrs told me I was as made as a box of frogs and should keep quiet from now on.

Not only could my new froggy friend jump and bark but his swimming prowess was amazing – no sooner had he jumped in the water than he had disappeared doing breast stroke - made my doggy paddle look pathetic!   I was allowed to join him but I lost sight of him under the water as he shot off like a torpedo.  I busied myself swimming around looking for him and was distracted by more splashing – I couldn’t believe my eyes - the Mrs had joined me in the water and was splashing about, then her friend waded in and had a swim and then the Boss started paddling about in his dinghy!  My private bath was getting a bit crowded so I jumped out and left them to it, I think some of my froggy friends did too!