JULY 2020

I haven’t been feeling myself lately, licking and scratching yes but not feeling. Had several visits to the white coated brigade who were masked and gowned and very kind. The Boss and the Mrs left me in their care for a few days and I woke up with a shaved belly, lots of staples and a fair few bits of me missing. I did get away with not wearing a mask but I was given a clear plastic face shield which prevented the Mrs and the Boss from giving me my usual head pats and ear tickles so I am afraid it was jettisoned after an initial trial and I was constantly told not to lick my poor bare belly or the shield would have to be reinstated…a great motivation to behave as I love all the attention I am getting at the moment.

Things were going swimmingly until a phone call giving my prog nose is, which in fact was nothing to do with my nose at all, but turned out to be all about my expectation of life. The Boss and the Mrs have not shared this with me but kept this information to themselves, however I detect an underlying difference in their manner, a sadness of eye and braveness of face. I myself have realised I am not as well as I used to be. I seek constant reassurance and have had to take lots of pills and sleep a lot more than any dog of 8 years should do but on the bright side I have been allowed many more strokes, pats and treats than normal and the pills come with honey and biscuits.

Life is continuing much as it was with trips to the shoot to mooch about with the Boss and walks with the Mrs to visit far flung venues where I have to amuse myself while she gazes at the view and attempts a fair replica on paper despite me sitting smack in the middle of the composition or acting bored and wanting to go walking. However I am not a daft dog and I know I am on borrowed time. I wonder if I should bid you farewell now or see if I can still pen this blog for the next edition….. enjoy your life, you never know what is round the corner unless of course you are a dog with a nose like mine and can smell it.

OCTOBER

At last…..I managed to catch the attention of the Mrs!  I have spent many, many years and opportunities, bamboozling, cajoling, charming, coaxing, tempting and manoeuvring to persuade the Mrs that I would be a good subject for her artwork.  With my handsome good looks, my naturally elegant wiggly body and extremely waggy tail I thought I would be the dogs b…….  well, you know what I mean - the best model ever!  My agility however always went against me as I was told I never sat still for long enough and was always on the move.  I complained and whined about all the photos of me she could use but none were quite right apparently.

I have sat on her feet, barked my boredom, stood in her way, stolen her paint brushes and drank her painting water, even, at great peril to my own safety, inserted myself into the view she was painting but never had I managed to instigate the inspiration she needed to paint my portrait until now!

I think she was having a bit of a guilt trip as she had been asked to paint the portrait of someone else’s pet dog and, once it was completed, could see I was a little put out!  When I say “put out” I don’t mean put outdoors as that is my favourite place to be, but “put out” as in the Mrs thought my nose was “put out of joint” which of course was ridiculous as that is my best feature, is as straight as a die and packed full of 300 million olfactory receptors which is 29,999,600 more than hers.  Anyway the outcome was that she eventually, after all this time and all my shenanigans decided it was my time to “sit” for a portrait aided by the “right” photograph …. and here it is….don’t I look a handsome beast?

MAY

BERTS BLOG:  As I was saying last month - sunbathing is fine if you cover up certain parts - however at the moment I seem to have been overtaken by the Mrs who thinks I need some protection!  I kept trying to tell her that I was fine without the hat but she can be insistent.  I do have a need for some kind of protection as I will explain but not necessarily from the sun… The Mrs is decorating my bedroom.  At first she put my bed out of doors while she was sanding down the walls and ceiling.  However, due to the concern from the Mrs of not constantly remaining in the brilliant sunshine I had crept back in doors to lay down on the cool floor for a bit of respite from the heat.  When I ventured outdoors again to find the Boss he didn’t recognise me.  After a quick intake of breath he loudly asked what the Mrs had done to me as I now resembled a white, pasty ghost of a dog and not his favourite chocolate.  This elicited surprise from the Mrs who didn’t know I was inside when she was sanding down the walls and she instantly began patting and brushing me with her hands to rid my coat of white dust.  This was such an enjoyable experience that I sneaked back inside again when she had her back turned,  only by this time the sandpaper had been replaced with paint and rollers and I later emerged into the sunshine rather reminiscent of a Dalmation with large white spots……  The Boss instantly decided he and I needed to take a run down to the lake so I could swim my way back to being a chocolate Labrador again.  Just by chance the Boss remembered he had to check out his fishing tackle and together we spent a pleasant afternoon playing by the water.  On our return my bedroom had a perfect white ceiling and the Mrs treated me to a jolly good towelling and brushing which almost made up for trying to change my breed!