MAY

BERTS BLOG:  As I was saying last month - sunbathing is fine if you cover up certain parts - however at the moment I seem to have been overtaken by the Mrs who thinks I need some protection!  I kept trying to tell her that I was fine without the hat but she can be insistent.  I do have a need for some kind of protection as I will explain but not necessarily from the sun… The Mrs is decorating my bedroom.  At first she put my bed out of doors while she was sanding down the walls and ceiling.  However, due to the concern from the Mrs of not constantly remaining in the brilliant sunshine I had crept back in doors to lay down on the cool floor for a bit of respite from the heat.  When I ventured outdoors again to find the Boss he didn’t recognise me.  After a quick intake of breath he loudly asked what the Mrs had done to me as I now resembled a white, pasty ghost of a dog and not his favourite chocolate.  This elicited surprise from the Mrs who didn’t know I was inside when she was sanding down the walls and she instantly began patting and brushing me with her hands to rid my coat of white dust.  This was such an enjoyable experience that I sneaked back inside again when she had her back turned,  only by this time the sandpaper had been replaced with paint and rollers and I later emerged into the sunshine rather reminiscent of a Dalmation with large white spots……  The Boss instantly decided he and I needed to take a run down to the lake so I could swim my way back to being a chocolate Labrador again.  Just by chance the Boss remembered he had to check out his fishing tackle and together we spent a pleasant afternoon playing by the water.  On our return my bedroom had a perfect white ceiling and the Mrs treated me to a jolly good towelling and brushing which almost made up for trying to change my breed!

MARCH

I finally got my way - walkies in a big way.  Over here in France I get walkies every day with the Mrs and on this occasion we went on a long ramble together with the Boss as well.  It was difficult to decide who I was going to obey since they both accompanied me and both like to tell me what to do…….

In the end I decided to be very diplomatic and used my right ear for listening to the Boss and my left ear for listening to the Mrs.  That did cause a few problems as they don’t seem to agree on many things.  For example when we passed by a boggy area on my right that I had noticed held some exciting smells the Boss said ‘find him then’ and as I was on the point of heading into the depth of the marsh area I heard a faint calling in my left ear of ‘noooooo, not in the mud’.   Needless to say the scents were just too nice to pass up so I tuned in to my selective hearing mode and dived into the bog and had a jolly good sniff round.  As it has been raining  in this area of France for the last three months, there was a lot of damp area to investigate….  When I returned to see how things stood with my guardians they seem to be having a very deep and meaningful discussion on how the Boss could have trained me to have the same selective hearing mode that he himself appears to have developed.  The Mrs, with the aid of a very wagging pointy finger was extracting a promise from the Boss that due to his lax control he would be in charge of cleaning me up.  I knew his method of cleaning me up meant a swim in the lake so with alacrity I sided with the Mrs and her promise with a very wagging pointy tail.  Best of both worlds especially for a Labrador!

FEBRUARY 2018

BERTS BLOG:   Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, you want to go out, you want to go out, you want to take me for a walk, you do, you do…..  Bother – it didn’t work!  Rain, sleet and north wind outside and the Mrs and Boss ensconced in the sitting room with the fire going,  the TV showing another incomprehensible ball game and me trying to engage their brains into getting some attention or more precisely giving me some more walks….  Not a hope, especially not in this weather!

Actually I am looking forward to a good rest after the ‘season’,  the pheasants are now safely looking for partners and testing their bravery on the roads and even teasing the Boss by appearing in our garden cockahooping in the safe knowledge they are strictly off limits until they become fair game again in the autumn.  Such beautiful birds and also extremely tasty.  I only mention their delicious flavour because of a recent incident whereby the Mrs invited me into the kitchen area – a pastime not normally allowed – and to share their Sunday afternoon in the sitting room – very special.

It was during the last shooting day of the season when the Boss was given the dubious celebratory task of cooking the Sunday dinner – pheasant – when the said incident took place while he was wrestling the extra fat butter he always uses for cooking out of the refrigerator.  Despite me and the Mrs telling him that olive oil is better for him he flatly refuses to eat anything remotely healthy and it was this cursory comment on his internal wellbeing that made him twist round to offer a non-healthy rebuke resulting in a loss of physical dexterity and a number of eggs being knocked from their nestling area in the ‘frig.

After the Mrs had surveyed the damage on the floor and delivered ‘the look’ at the Boss she called me into the normally out of bounds area of the kitchen to clear up the mess (I love her).   Carefully licking around the cracked shells which the Mrs picked up, I swiftly and efficiently cleared the floor area of any evidence of the Boss’ little accident.  It was then suggested by the Mrs as a reward to me for being so helpful that she and I repair to the sitting room to watch a suitable Sunday afternoon programme which did not involve a spherical object and leave the Boss alone to get ‘cracking’ with the last pheasant dinner of the season by himself.  Sometimes she is such a good egg!

January 2018

BERTS BLOG:   I have added a new trick to my repertoire – pulling a cracker.  This training proved to be somewhat dangerous and I would advocate it not be tried at home without adequate supervision.  The preliminary instructions involved the Mrs explaining to me with some patience that I should hold one end of the cracker in my mouth gently, but firmly enough to withstand her pulling the other end.  This looked very much like a game I had played as a youngster.  After a few false starts I had the hang of holding on tightly but at the last minute I noticed the Boss was tucking into a turkey sandwich and the urge to investigate overcame my need to concentrate on holding tight.  I inadvertently let go of my end of the cracker resulting in the sudden upending of the Mrs who lay sprawled on the floor with a look of surprised annoyance on her face.  The Boss nearly choked himself trying to disguise his laughter and earned a slap on the back to dislodge the turkey and a sharp rebuke from the Mrs about eating in front of me, especially during lesson time.  During this opportune diversion I quickly investigated the whereabouts of the dislodged turkey, safely removing it quickly and cleanly from the floor before anybody noticed.

The Mrs said she wanted to continue with my training session as she almost had the cracker pulling licked, strange I thought, she had it in her hand, not her mouth – I was the one who had it licked!  We proceeded with another try, this time with it firmly anchored between my teeth.  Astonishingly, exactly the same thing happened again but this time there was a loud crack, paper exploded everywhere jettisoning the Mrs across the floor along with a pack of small screw drivers.  Much to my amazement, thinking I was for it this time, I was completely surprised to find that despite this second inelegant sprawl and the resultant mess, the Mrs seemed exultant and covered me with pats and praise and exchanged the screwdrivers for the remainder of the Boss’ turkey sandwich!  Result!

November / December

Am I looking forward to Christmas? – yes I am.  It’s just the thought that makes me feel tired…..all that unwrapping…… and in the Boss’s case virtually minutes after he has just wrapped it!  Mr last minute shopper…   The Mrs, on the other hand, spends the previous weeks worrying about whether the wrapped is what the wrappee wanted.  I say don’t worry, it’s the thought that counts.  I tell that to the Mrs every time I bring her an unwrapped stick, never mind the wrapping it’s the thought that counts.  Presents from the garden, sourced with my inquisitive nose, picked with my delicate lips and quietly deposited near her with such gentleness she never notices until she trips over them…..Whoops. 

Christmas is always an energetic time of the year for me as it means hunting, shooting, beating and picking up.  The Boss seems to think I need to reduce my girth and the shooting season is just the way to do it.  I spend all day running, finding and retrieving and when I am not doing that I am keeping the Boss company when he is working on the shoot or checking things in the countryside.  He sometimes asks the Mrs if she would like to accompany him to reduce her girth but as far as I can ascertain this meets with a singular lack of enthusiasm from her and the promise of a chance to cook his own dinner and/or cancel sky sport. 

For now I am going to sneak a few moments of shut eye and dream of wrapping and running, of  that tree coming indoors, excited miniatures opening presents and adorning me with decorations and tidbits of turkey coming my way. I really am looking forward to Christmas – I wonder if that white stuff will fall again from the sky – I hope you all have a joyous and peaceful time.