JANUARY 2020

It’s a wrap, or at least it would have been if the Miniatures had anything to do with it. They visited the second day of the of the festivities and brought their newest addition to the family with them - a very small, over exuberant, chronically energetic female K9 called Cookie who appears to be madly in love with me and wants to give me kisses all over my snout without having the politeness to ask permission first.  I tower above and stared down at her from my height giving her the look the Mrs occasionally gives the Boss when she is not happy with his behaviour which I should have known makes very little difference…..  When this failed to work I tried ignoring her ministrations and resorted to walking around the furniture, hiding behind chairs, looking beseechingly at the Mrs while trying to telepathically request this small stalker was ensnared and removed from my immediate vicinity and continually  turning about trying to avoid her ministrations but it was to no avail.  It appeared she is totally smitten and after my rebuffs met with a distinct refusal to accept my lack of interest the Mrs and the Boss finally had to step in.   The house was in uproar with me leading the chase and Cookie a very close second, both of us weaving around the furniture followed by all in sundry.  It was a merry site but I didn’t dare stop to appreciate it in case I was licked to death.  I have got a voice – quite a large one actually, much deeper than Cookie’s little chirps but I didn’t feel it was my place to bark my annoyance as everyone else was doing that already.  Thankfully after her capture and a certain amount of what started as careful tutorials and nearly ended in eviction she eventually calmed down enough to allow me to lick my own chops for a change!   In case you were wondering Cookie is a Border Terrier!

DECEMBER 2019

Wishing you all the best possible bone gnawing, lip smacking, tongue licking, cream lapping times this Christmas and remember if you are burying anything in the garden remember to avoid any bulbs the Mrs has planted as they tend to give the game away if left lying on the top of the soil - she always manages to know where I have buried my bone.  Also ensure complete disposal of anything removed surreptitiously from the Christmas tree and eaten in secrecy behind the sofa (only applies if the Mrs has not already eaten all the chocolate dangles on the tree) wrappings can been eaten but this is not advisable as they can be detected in certain movements at a later date so ensure they are either dropped near the Mrs chair or hidden well under the sofa and not visible at long range!

Try not to look too downhearted when you only get turkey leftovers and not the leg or the wing and on no account display or mention any adversity to large men with white beards and red garb or the miniatures will never speak to you again!  If any venison appear in the garden - leave them be as they may not have finished their rounds.........

NOVEMBER

Winter is upon us and my fur coat comes in very handy on the cold nights and frosty mornings.  The Mrs complains that most of my fur seems to be distributed haphazardly around the house but I assure her that the majority is on my back and I just need an all over two hour brush every day to keep it sleek and luxurious.  She seems to think this is a joke but I will say anything to get some extra petting and attention.   Alas out comes the hoover again and I am tortured with the noise and suction as it removes my excess hair not only from my back but from any surrounding areas that the Mrs insists it has crept into. 

Winter brings not only cold weather but the season for shooting and filling the freezer with game and venison to sustain not only the Boss for the rest of the year but me as well.  The Boss has had many requests to reduce the pigeon population in the village as apparently these cheeky and prolific birds are causing untold damage to gardens, plants and crops and leaving unsightly white deposits wherever they perch.  This photo is me doing what my breed does – retrieving – in this case one of the despatched pigeons that have been terrorising the neighbourhood.  I am bringing it back to the Boss and adding it to the  number he will be taking to the game dealers minus the few he keeps for himself so he can have pigeon breasts braised in red wine for dinner – a little number he is quite fond of and so am I.  He now needs to instruct the Mrs to forget my stray hair, stop the hoovering and get cooking – the certain way to man’s heart is through his stomach swiftly followed, in my case, by oodles of strokes and a long loving petting – can’t speak for the Boss!

OCTOBER

At last…..I managed to catch the attention of the Mrs!  I have spent many, many years and opportunities, bamboozling, cajoling, charming, coaxing, tempting and manoeuvring to persuade the Mrs that I would be a good subject for her artwork.  With my handsome good looks, my naturally elegant wiggly body and extremely waggy tail I thought I would be the dogs b…….  well, you know what I mean - the best model ever!  My agility however always went against me as I was told I never sat still for long enough and was always on the move.  I complained and whined about all the photos of me she could use but none were quite right apparently.

I have sat on her feet, barked my boredom, stood in her way, stolen her paint brushes and drank her painting water, even, at great peril to my own safety, inserted myself into the view she was painting but never had I managed to instigate the inspiration she needed to paint my portrait until now!

I think she was having a bit of a guilt trip as she had been asked to paint the portrait of someone else’s pet dog and, once it was completed, could see I was a little put out!  When I say “put out” I don’t mean put outdoors as that is my favourite place to be, but “put out” as in the Mrs thought my nose was “put out of joint” which of course was ridiculous as that is my best feature, is as straight as a die and packed full of 300 million olfactory receptors which is 29,999,600 more than hers.  Anyway the outcome was that she eventually, after all this time and all my shenanigans decided it was my time to “sit” for a portrait aided by the “right” photograph …. and here it is….don’t I look a handsome beast?

SEPTEMBER 2019

During my holidays this year I had chance to closely examine one of the many small green jumping things that live around the lake.  Each time I got my nose close enough to give it a good sniff it jumped away.  This small creature has many attributes - the jumping ability was astounding – far better than mine.  The noise it made was also akin to barking so I felt quite at home trying to make friends.  First one would bark and then an answer would come back eventually starting a croaking chorus from around each side of the lake until it became quite deafening.  I tried to participate but I don’t think I spoke the same language and eventually the Mrs told me I was as made as a box of frogs and should keep quiet from now on.

Not only could my new froggy friend jump and bark but his swimming prowess was amazing – no sooner had he jumped in the water than he had disappeared doing breast stroke - made my doggy paddle look pathetic!   I was allowed to join him but I lost sight of him under the water as he shot off like a torpedo.  I busied myself swimming around looking for him and was distracted by more splashing – I couldn’t believe my eyes - the Mrs had joined me in the water and was splashing about, then her friend waded in and had a swim and then the Boss started paddling about in his dinghy!  My private bath was getting a bit crowded so I jumped out and left them to it, I think some of my froggy friends did too!

JULY & AUGUST

1. Me outside my stately home!  Ha ha….fooled you!   (West Green House)

I will explain:  recently the Mrs allowed me to join her band of walking buddies so I thought you would like to see some of the sites I was allowed to see on this five mile hike…. all the training I gave her in April obviously paid off as the Mrs managed the whole route.  The Boss said there was a carrot at the end of the stick and that was why the Mrs had completed it but she carried no stick and I am not sure she is that fond of carrots …

2. We passed this delightfully refreshing looking pond but it was part of someone’s private home and garden so I had to wear my lead and the Mrs had to be attached to the other end.  No swimming today! (Dipley Mill)  I also busied myself trying to keeping my human herd together in tight formation.  They get side tracked by talking and studying a paper with lots of lines and symbols on – none of them follow their noses like I do but they managed to find their way across the land so maybe they do have some superior qualities…..

3.  I hadn’t realised how famous my tribe was!   Along the side of the path were growing bushes of beautiful flowers and the Mrs informed me they were called Dog Roses.  Aha I thought, planted specially for me!  I did try to leave my calling scent beneath but was quickly discouraged and told to just admire the view and stop lifting my leg – this was confusingly difficult as I need to lift my legs to walk so I just kept plodding on and the Mrs seemed pleased enough.

4. After walking through fields of grass, potatoes and horses we came upon another site which the Mrs went into raptures about – Wild Flowers!  I was asked to walk to heel which can be a bit tricky without tripping the Mrs.  I have been warned on many occasions that if that happens she will be really really cross!  So I walked sedately behind her and tried not to mind that tall Wild Flowers make one really really wild as I could not see over the top of the flowers without doing one of my upwardly mobile bounds which were definitely not the order of the day.

5.  Here I am emerging from woodland to find the unusual and quaint Mattingley Church which was built in the later 1400’s – how do I know that?  I listened to their leader reading from the info – dogs aren’t daft you know.

6. The Mrs seemed to suddenly find extra energy and we finally left nature behind to return to our starting point – The Leather Bottle.  I felt satisfaction and relief emanating from her when we stopped our trekking to sit down for refreshments.  I had another drink and the Mrs ordered lunch but I don’t think it was carrots!

JUNE

Well we made it across the Chanel without having to wear the muggle, I mean the muzzle!  

I have been practicing my swimming since but definitely not when the Boss is fishing.  Here you can see I have been in for a wee dip but the Boss has now brought out his sticks and boxes of worms and maggots which he reliably informs me are not for eating – except for the fish.  I keep a close eye on him in case some bread appears from his box of tricks or better still some dog biscuits although we have a running argument regarding whether this is fish food or dog food.  He insists that if it is at the lake it is fish food.  He also has an elastic launcher which he fills with ‘fish’ food and propels it across the water.  I saw him do this and thought it was a new game to test my retrieving abilities and launched myself into the water to catch the arc of food floating on top.  After doggy paddling around for ten minutes with my mouth open like a hoover I was persuaded to come out and sit on the bank whereby he explained that I should not chase the biscuits when they were in the water as they had now become ‘fish food’.  I have heard of magic but that was ridiculous and along the lines of when the Mrs arrives from upstairs to go out with the Boss dressed in yet another new outfit only to tell the Boss she has had it for ages and found it in the back of the wardrobe.  He didn’t believe her and I don’t believe him.  Dog biscuits are dog biscuits, my nose does not deceive me and fish should stick to worms and maggots!  It’s a dog’s life but someone has to live it.