FEBRUARY 2014

I am really fed up - water, water everywhere, inside and out.  Terrible amounts of it have washed away my favourite bones that I buried in the garden, turned my depositing area in a quagmire and made all my favourite sticks too soft and squashy to get a good bite on.  On top of that I have to endure more showers in the white room with the soap suds and woofter perfumes (canine term for dogs who don’t smell like dogs).  I don’t know why they can’t just like my natural doggy smell, but the Mrs insists on me having assisted washing sessions.  I can’t tell you how much I wish it was summer again, although I don’t mind the rain on my coat there is a limit to how much even a dog can stand.  The Boss and the Mrs are having a bit of decorating done by a lovely man called Jon who brings me bones and chews as a special treat for keeping out of his way and his paint pots.  However there was one occasion when my tail became highlighted with a hint of a tint of magnolia and I had to be forcibly ‘coiffed’ with the hosepipe which mean even more water falling from the heavens on to me!  I ask you can’t a brown dog flirt with a little colour now and again?!  Please stop the rain!

DECEMBER & JANUARY 2014

Christmas….that tree came indoors again, very confusing for a dog not to lift his leg…. mind you it was quite prickly and not easy to get to with all the presents and flashing lights around it.  However, I did not disgrace myself or howl with the carol singers and remained favourite top dog in the house.  Actually I am the only dog in the house so I will have to give that statement some thought…. 

Amongst all the wrapping paper and ribbons I found a big bone and had several special bowls of gravy with leftovers to celebrate.  The miniatures of the Boss and Mrs celebrated elsewhere this year so I had a peaceful time with special indoor passes to lay in front of the fire and snooze, something I have noticed the Boss is very good at.  I did attempt to climb on his lap once to check he was actually asleep but that ended in some unexpected upwardly mobile gymnastics culminating in me spending the rest of the evening in my kennel and him staying awake for some considerable length of time despite ‘watching’ the box on the wall, the roaring fire and his hand cradling a rotund glass of spirit instead of my soft head and floppy ears. 

Despite the recent weather, my penchant for all things wet means I don’t mind being outside when the water falls out of the sky, but the Boss gets extremely grumpy about this.  On the other hand, I dislike being inside when the water showers down on me in the large white container with soap, but strangely enough the Boss doesn’t seem to have a problem with this.  Must be why he likes me so much – opposites attract!

NOVEMBER 2013

BERTS BLOG:  I have been fairly well behaved lately apart from two unfortunate water based incidents.  During a recent rare jaunt out with the Mrs and her walking friends I was accused of taking a man down which was, of course, a gross exaggeration of my ability to be so heroic and anyway it was a genuine accident and the guy was as innocent as me.  To my joy our walk was next to water, however disappointingly I was given no encouragement to take the plunge.  We were walking and chatting on a long canal path when we heard sudden fast footsteps approaching from behind.  In my rush to attend the Mrs a vision in blue Lycra unfortunately took the same avoiding tactics as I did and after a small contretemps he ended up tumbling over me into the undergrowth and was only just restrained from rolling into the canal by the Mrs grabbing his arm and yanking him to his feet.  Apologies were exchanged and he jogged off in a flash of blue and I escaped with nothing more than a look and a pat.  On the return journey I spotted him again but was given the command to sit and stay 100 yards before he ran past us with a wave and a smile, so no harm done, but disaster struck again when I mistook a raised arm during a lively conversation and the random simultaneous splash of an acorn dropping into the water as a retrieve command to take a dip!  This second incident meant I received more than just a look but also a tongue lashing with no pats and was not allowed to accompany the group for lunch but had to sit, wet but happy, in the car, in disgrace. I love a good swim!

OCTOBER 2013

This is my ‘humble’ look which I assume after I have been told to do something and I actually do the opposite.  This is part of my behaviour I am working on improving and I have also learnt that an apology works wonders, as long as there is no insurance company involved.  I am sorry to say that an occasion arose recently when I had been told to sit and stay however the temptation to actually take the biscuit being waved around in front of me by one of the many miniatures who run around the house occasionally was too much to resist.  I stood up and very gently approached the miniature version of the Boss who kindly proffered said biscuit which I very delicately took from his crumb laden fingers and downed it in a gulp, whereupon said miniature instantly sprouted tears and louds wails and behold, the game was up.  Instant uproar from the Mrs, multiple hand washings, consolation kisses, hugs and another biscuit, all I hasten to add, bestowed upon the miniature – not me.   I received the opposite with a very cross word, instructions to leave the vicinity and a look which could have felled a tree, hence my ‘humble’ look.  If I had worn a hat I would have doffed it and gone down on one knee with abject apologies. Lesson learnt, never take a biscuit from a baby but keep a watchful eye, wait till they drop it and scoff it from the floor, then everyone is happy!

SEPTEMBER 2013

On holiday, posing by the water lilies as per Mr Monet.  The Mrs wanted to stop here and get her paint brushes out but after my plunge into the pond things changed drastically….it was just so hot on holiday I couldn’t resist…however I have now learnt not to even think of dipping a toe into the drink unless I have prior permission.  Luckily we found many other rivers, lakes and oceans in France for me to practice my doggy paddle in, and for the Mrs to sit and paint.  I tried drinking the water she uses to paint with once but apart from not really appreciating the taste, I nearly got a paint brush in the eye as she went to rinse out when I had my head in the bucket.   I still cannot get used to all those waves in the ocean and chasing them went on forever, never stopping and I tired way before they did.  Water and swimming are a big part of my holiday.  Fifi, my French poodle friend returned home with us and she keeps me company in my bed.  So far I have desisted from pulling her stuffing out.

My latest exercise at present is collecting pigeons.  The Boss has asked me to help him and I do my best to find them wherever they fall.  The farmers and gardeners have all requested we collect as many as possible to give the new shoots a chance to grow and before they are all eaten by the greedy pigeons.  So far the Boss and I have reduced the numbers by a fair few but they always seem to return threefold.  I don’t understand it myself by the Boss says I am too young to understand.  I am two this month and am hoping for a big bone on my birthday.      www.bertsdogblog.blogspot.com

AUGUST 2013

This is my new friend – Fifi the French poodle – she doesn’t say much but she has a certain finesse. . . After the village fete, where I made lots of new friends and acquainted myself with some old ones I visited another larger fete at an incredible house with more games for dogs.  We went under a long tunnel (no rabbits in it) and came out in another county where I found the French poodoo.   After the usual stops at Caves (no bears but plenty of the red stuff the Boss likes to taste and admire) we arrived at Chambord and La Fete de Chasse.  I have never seen so many hounds in one place before and when I said “hello” they all answered together, making so much noise I had to be removed to a quieter area.  They all bark in French so I am hoping they were pleased to see me.  The large square box on wheels in now my new home for a while and if I sometimes get spooked in the night I am allowed to sleep inside providing I lay quietly and keep all my beautiful perfumes to myself.  Sometimes I am kept awake by the snores coming from the Boss and the Mrs who have the cheek to say my barks are too loud!  Confusingly, just as I had got used to seeing bats, balls and stumps on the box at home, it turns out there are things in the trees here called crickets that have nothing to do with sport.  They make a noise all day long and nobody seems to care, but if I did that it would be most frowned upon so I stick to playing with Fifi and chewing the occasional baguette.

JULY 2013

Although I live in my own kennel most of the time, occasionally, if the house door is left open, I sneak in unobserved and lay my head on the arm of the Boss’s chair and he absently mindedly stokes my head for quite a while as he sits staring at a black box with all sorts of things in it.  I am definitely an outside dog but occasionally I have a weekend pass to the sitting room to check there are no strange animals escaping from the black box, especially when the Boss watches Countryfile or David Attenborough.  Sometimes they nod off and I become alarmed at the number of animals living inside and I give voice to warn them of their imminent escape, causing great alarm and near falls from the sofa….oops!  Once, someone in the box started singing at a certain pitch and I accompanied them with my plaintive howl – well that certainly woke the Boss up and elicited a strongly worded request to stop.  The most exciting time indoors is when the Boss is watching balls on the box which, despite disapproval from the Mrs, he insists is very good for me to watch, at which point the Mrs usually exits the room so us boys can watch in peace.  Apparently this is called sport and balls feature in many different forms so I am constantly keeping my eye on the ball in the hope it may pop out of the box and I can retrieve it.   Up to now this has never happened despite several near misses when I get excited and have to be told to “sit down I can’t see the screen”.  I have to sit close so that I can catch the ball as soon as it comes my way...I live in hope.